blog closing...

END

with reference to the last post... that is from few years ago.. and I'm deleting the blog I it was on (because it only had that one post).

I set up that blog because I was having problems reading the bible.. it was discouraging to me.. not just emotionally but for some odd reason it did not seem to encourage me in my Christianity.. it rather discouraged me. So I set up that blog to try and encourage myself. Obviously that didn't go far. anyway.. here is the one post from that blog.. which I am now deleting. There is no point for a blog with one post.. and there is not chance of it getting more posts in the future...

I am also planning to close this blog.. because I feel the title no longer speaks about who I am. If you have been reading this blog.. you have probably seen this coming for some time. In fact apart from my eyes this is why I have not posted much in the last year and since August.

I got a letter from IHOP (international house of prayer) today.. it's funny to think of what would have happened if I had gotten in and gone there three years ago. Today I look at it, and I'm not nostalgic.. I still wistfully sometimes wonder what Kansas City is like.... I can't help wondering because for so long.. a part of my heart was there.. Friends of the bridegroom there are very much into what I was into.. being romantic and passionate about God..

I can't post here anymore because this is not who I am anymore.. It happened almost impercievably.. over a year or two when I was trying not to think of it.. and sadly when I was thinking about it. When I wrote everything down in my letter to God.. It seems truth changed the picture... you can live with cognitive dissonace in your mind.. but once you put it on paper.. it will burn a hole through the paper.. or it will burn a hole through you and you have to resolve it.

I would just delete this blog.. but I am not deleting it because although it is not who I am anymore.. it does express what for a time was me.. and it's a thread that always ran through me and will always run through me.. this romanticism and idealism..

besides I'm a pack rat :) I'm putting up a new blog... I'll put up the address for anyone that cares to follow the story......

if you want to know why... I'm specifically being vague on here because if you google my name on the internet this blog is the first thing that comes up.. by any means if anyone wants to know more I've written several longish "posts" which I can forward..

Sapphire Kisses "fusion of a u2 song and the sapphire sea"

-------------------------------------------
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Mark 3 4Then Jesus asked them, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" But they remained silent. 5He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts The Pharisees cared more about the “law” than compassion. The law had done nothing for them, it didn’t reveal the selfishness and callousness in their hearts and show them their need for salvation. 7Jesus withdrew with his disciples to the lake, I wonder why Jesus needed to withdraw. Was it just for his human needs to relax or did he need to talk to God ? to keep the people from crowding him. Was Jesus fed up of the people ? or worn out and tired ? Kind of an irony here because God is never supposed to get tired.... I guess maybe this is an illustration of Jesus in his humanness. God in his humanness does get tired, an example that it's ok for us to get tired and need a break from ministry..in our humanness. Not being able to help everybody all the time is not a sin...or maybe the Father just wasn't telling him to do any miracles then cause he knew he needed a break... Maybe the Father TOLD him to go take a break! 10For he had healed many, so that those with diseases were pushing forward to touch him. "You are the Son of God." 12But he gave them strict orders not to tell who he was. I wonder why the demons kept saying “You are the son of God” Was the devil telling them to say that ? or were they just exclaiming in surprise ? And why didn’t Jesus want them to say that ? Why didn’t he want people to know ? Did he not want the demons to say that because then the Pharisees and people would think he was sent by the devil, since the “devil” was saying he was God…? : Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter); 17James son of Zebedee and his brother John (to them he gave the name Boanerges, which means Sons of Thunder Maybe Jesus wasn’t referring to his firey temperament here but speaking prophetically over him. He was going to be thunderous in his love…have knowledge of God’s thunderous love for him); 18Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot 19and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him. Is this the disciples in the most spiritual order ? or order of closeness to Jesus ? 1Peter 2James 3John 4Andrew 5Phillip 6Bartholomew 7Matthew 8Thomas 9James (Alphaeus) 10Thaddaeus 11Simon the zealot 12Judas 29But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin." otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'[10] This is when the Pharisees say he’s demon possessed… Mark 4 14The farmer sows the word. 15Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop--thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown." So are all these people Christians ? or only the ones that are fruitful ? Do they all go to heaven ? or just the fruitful ones… A man scatters seed on the ground. 27Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. 28All by itself the soil produces grain--first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. 29As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come." What does this mean ? I’ve never heard of this parable before or the meaning of it 33With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand. 34He did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything. 38Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" I wonder if the “we” here was referring to just the disciples or the disciples plus Jesus. And did they really think Jesus could drown?! And his desires thwarted ? (he wanted to go to the other side of the lake..) 39He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. 40He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 5 5Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones. The poor man he was a “cutter” he was driven to cut himself with stones… 13He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned. I wonder why he let the demons go into the pigs ? Was he feeling sorry for the demons ? Well that wasn’t nice to destroy someone’s herd. Did he pay them back for it ? Was this to test the town on whether they were compassionate and really caring about this man or if economic success was more important.. 16Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man--and told about the pigs as well. What happened with the pigs seems to have been equally impressive to these people… 17Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region. Obviously they didn’t like what he did…the fact that he healed the man was not redemptive of the lost pigs… 18As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. 19Jesus did not let him, but said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." I wonder why Jesus didn’t let the man come, why he told him to go home ? 22Then one of the synagogue rulers, named Jairus, came there. Jairus must have either been a sincere Pharisee or just absolutely desperate over his little girl and Jesus was his last resort. If there were people like Jairus in positions of authority in the Jewish community…I wonder if Jairus did anything to protest Jesus death or to stop it. I wonder if he REALLY believed in and loved Jesus or if he lost his fervor after he got what he wanted from Jesus………… 26She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. She’s desperate at the end of her rope and she’s been betrayed by those that were supposed to help her. Modern medicine has failed her…Some doctors have probably exploited her or at least it seems they may have done more harm than good. I wonder what was her disease.. We probably have a name for it… 31"You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' His disciples seemed to be very honest with him they just spoke the first thing that came to their minds. They didn’t seem to weigh it to see if it was spiritual enough or not. They were absolutely comfortable with Jesus, they knew he accepted them and loved them and was proud of them whether they had faith or not. They were free to be themselves around him. It’s funny that the disciples asked this question and here they’re sort of chiding Jesus as if to say, “What’s wrong with you! It’s OBVIOUS that everyone’s touching you…what a dumb questions…now Jesus! Don’t be ridiculous…” It seems that they didn’t respect him all that much…I wonder if Jesus ever made silly/stupid little mistakes like I do… I wonder if Jesus was a daydreamer sort like me and forgot “the coffee on” and it all boiled away etc…and his disciples kinda had to rush in a pick up the slack a lot…? That’s not sin..it’s just mistakes..or a human weakness…… 34He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Her faith healed her…but faith is first of all a gift from God…So it was not really her “working up the faith” that healed her but the God-given gift of faith…Maybe it’s like Jesus saying to someone, “your repentance has saved you…” Well if he said that he’d be sort of speaking figuratively because it’s not really “YOUR repentance…but in light of Jesus death…your repentance was the deciding factor…AND it was God that gave you ears to hear and consequently he is the one that is responsible for your repentance..so this is like saying (in a very roundabout way) “God has healed you..” though it’s funny because that’s not the impression we get at first glance… "Your daughter is dead," they said. "Why bother the teacher any more?" 36Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe." This is kinda like déjà vu for me here… I mean it’s like they’re saying, “You’re chance of getting into college is dead!” or “There’s no way you can become a doctor…” or “You’re nuts to think about …” and EVERYBODY’s saying it (notice the word “they” in the text, “they said”) and God’s telling you…No your dream’s not dead, it’s just asleep… And you’ve got God saying “Just believe…” when everything and everyone else is telling you the opposite…and it’s like he’s standing beyond the edge of a cliff holding out his hand to you… 37He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. Hmmm this would the first three in MY order of the disciples…EXACTLY…Peter, James, and John… so if James was Jesus brother…then John was also…and I have a feeling that Judas was Jesus brother because…I think his attitude toward Jesus had something to do with jealousy… 39He went in and said to them, "Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep." 40But they laughed at him. “Your dream is not dead but asleep.” And you’re like, “God don’t play with my heart..”…and the world laughs…not to mention if YOU tell them what God said!… 42Immediately the girl stood up and walked around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. 43He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, I wonder why he didn’t want anyone to know ? Why didn’t he want anyone to know about his miracles like this ? This totally confuses me…I have no idea why he wouldn’t Mark 6 3"Where did this man get these things?" they asked. "What's this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles! Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph,[14] Judas and Simon? Aren't his sisters here with us?" And they took offense at him. I think they were jealous..that’s why they took offense…They probably thought they were better than Mary and Joseph and here was their son moving UP in the world! 5He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. I wonder EXACTLY why he couldn’t do miracles there…Was it not necessarily that they didn’t have faith but their ATTITUDE rather that stopped him ? 6And he was amazed at their lack of faith. Hey Jesus was AMAZED…he was surprised…something sort of confounded him… 10Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. Why should you stay in that one house I wonder ? Is it so that the people won’t get jealous or feel hurt if you move to another house ?or is there some other reason ? 11And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them." Okay this is supposed to mean that you’re to forgive…but isn’t forgiveness letting go of the desire for revenge ? This seems to say it’s a testimony against them…ie to put the blood on their head…ie testimony seems to tell me of prosecution…forgiveness + prosecution.. Or maybe what Jesus means is just that you’re setting yourself free from any guilt that you didn’t witness well enough or whatever…. 16But when Herod heard this, he said, "John, the man I beheaded, has been raised from the dead!" Haha Herod is superstitious..he thinks it’s a ghost… Herod feared John and protected him, knowing him to be a righteous and holy man. Interesting…it seems Herod had more spiritual sensitivity and spiritual insight than the Pharisees… 34When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages[18] ! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?" They’re like, “is this really the most spiritual thing to do?, to spend our entire ministry budget on relieving the famine in that African village?” 47When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. 48He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. They were completely amazed, 52for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. Interesting..the DISCIPLES’ hearts were hardened ?! Mark 7 5So the Pharisees and teachers of the law asked Jesus, "Why don't your disciples live according to the tradition of the elders instead of eating their food with 'unclean' hands?" 6He replied, "Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: " 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. ] 8You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men." 9And he said to them: "You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe[21] your own traditions! They used to law for their own benefit..to feel good about themselves and to feel they were better than others. They weren’t living ACCORDING to the law..they had their the law for their OWN uses and benefits… They law wasn’t in control of them, they were in control of it..twisting it and manipulating it to serve their own purposes… 11But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: 'Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban' (that is, a gift devoted to God), 12then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. 13Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that." 14Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, "Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. 15Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean.' "[24] This is what the fundamentalists get wrong! The real problem sin doesn’t come so much from what we see on the outside as our own dirty little hearts.. 20He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' 21For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. 23All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' " There it is Jesus said it, it’s not the shows you watch etc that are the problem..it’s your own little sinful heart that’s responsible for your jealousy etc

god I never knew I loved my retinas so much!

... and the quote of the day goes to Dennise *Grin grin*

"what are you going to do when you get sad, get out your money and count it and feel happy ?!"

*on importance of money*

hey guys, I'm back.. new and improved.. and slightly peppered I might add ;)

I know I've been away (practically slept the sleep of death you might argue) for ages. Part of that had to do with a medical emergency. The last I posted, I went off to church camp with my parents and while there I had a retinal detachment. Very very scary ordeal. I had to have surgery for it. After that I really wasn't up to posting. I spent about a week on the couch with both eyes close and then I spent the rest of the month barely leaving the house.

After that I went on vacation (which actually I was supposed to go on in September but had to be postponed because of the retinal detachment) and I when I got back I had big plans... which I have been busy with till now ;) still busy in fact.

It's odd but I could say so much and yet I'm not sure exactly what to say, except if you have severe myopia (-6 and over), make sure your doctors are dilating your eyes and checking your retinas for tears. I'm extremely lucky, I could have gone blind. Not only am I grateful that I went to the doctor immediately after I started seeing a shadow at the bottom of my vision but (stupid opthamologist!!) but I'm grateful that my detachment progressed very slowly so that I hadn't completely lost all sight by the time I got to the retina surgeon 7 days later! (fyi you're supposed to fix a retinal detachment within 24 hours). I met a man in the retina doctor's office who went totally blind (in one eye) after his opthamologist sent him home saying it was nothing. Several days later he woke up and all he saw was darkness in that eye. Anyway if you have myopia, look up the symptoms of retinal detachment, study them and get your doctor to check your retinas for tears/holes!

My left eye isn't perfect (I'm left with a bit of a shadow at the bottom) but I am incredibly glad not to be blind /to have lost 3-d vision.

btw if you are my friend and we've talked since then and I haven't mentioned it.. it's just because *sigh* I know I never get to the important stuff.. and also I didn't really feel like talking about it, it's incredibly incredibly depressing to think and talk about.

I could not agree more

Disowning Conservative Politics, Evangelical Pastor Rattles Flock

I was just about to unsubscribe to 850 words of Relevant Magazine (an email newsletter) when I recieved a link to this today. It's about a pastor that decided he's not supporting any political causes, he's not saying a word about anything political. And well he lost 1/5th of his church because of it.

some quotes from the article :

“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”

He said he first became alarmed while visiting another megachurch’s worship service on a Fourth of July years ago. The service finished with the chorus singing “God Bless America” and a video of fighter jets flying over a hill silhouetted with crosses.

“I thought to myself, ‘What just happened? Fighter jets mixed up with the cross?’ ” he said in an interview.

In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others — by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting wars. Christians should instead seek to have “power under” others — “winning people’s hearts” by sacrificing for those in need, as Jesus did, Mr. Boyd said.

“America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric. That’s why our Constitution wisely put in a separation of church and state.

Last but not least, I love this one.

“I am sorry to tell you,” he continued, “that America is not the light of the world and the hope of the world. The light of the world and the hope of the world is Jesus Christ.”

There was also a little reference to people asking if the church would distribute “voters’ guides” that all but endorsed Republican candidates. If you've never seen one of these or heard the arguments it contains.. let me tell you, you're lucky! It really does basically tell you who to vote for, it mentions the party's platform issues and how these are 'biblical' (while ignoring some of the other party's equally biblical issues/stances) it just doesn't tell you the names of the parties..but of course you know them of by heart! somewhat nauseating.

'pretend' to pray

Yesterday I was talking to my friend about something and somehow it came up, that on a certain incident.. I was 'pretending' to pray. Sorry this may sound laughable to some of you.

Actually this has been going on for years (ok maybe not the pretending to pray) but for years I have been disagreeing with a LOT of the theology in my church and lots of other Christian places and it's gotten me in serious trouble. It's also gotten me in serious trouble for seeming to 'disagree' with things that people want to pray with me about, especially when they think they have a solution to the problem and they have an answer and and an agenda and it differs from mine.

I mean for instance what the *#@ double hockey sticks (excuse my subsitituted language) do you do when someone thinks that you're oppressed and they want to pray the devil out of you ?! Do you agree ? or pretend to agree ? or try to peacefully show your disapproval by keeping your eyes open and not bowing your head and just kind of staring all around ? ;) or hide in a closet.. like I did on one occassion (I kid you not, I did hide in a closet!!! and they were unable to find me to 'pray' for!! )

(Maybe at great personal expense) I have always tried to be 'nice' to people though, even if they are hurting me and praying for something I don't at all agree with, I've tried very hard not to hurt them, very often at the cost of being assertive. If someone wants to pray for you that you'll 'not be lazy anymore' or 'get strength to fight the devil of depression' (cause obviously you're weak in faith... that's the only possibly explanation) what do you do ? Do you just say "sorry I don't want you to pray for me," and walk out ? I mean there is a whole ton of ramifications and possibly consequences here. It may seem simple if you've never been in the situation but it's not.. Firstly if your parents have 'called' them to pray for you.. and they've obviously taken their time and energy to come over.. not to mention they believe they're right in their 'diagnosis' of the problem...they believe what they're praying is the right thing... you're going to hurt their feelings if you refuse right ? not to mention they're going to think of you as a horrible person because "she refused my prayer! she doesn't want God! She doesn't want God to help her! What a horrid girl!"

So you're trapped. There is no way to assert yourself and refuse without just causing more trouble. If you refuse everyone just hates you more. If you don't say anything and God forbid 'pretend to pray' then according to my friend you're invalidating yourself.. and not only that but possibly you're also invalidating your belief in God..

something 'nice'

You know today.. in spite of feeling horrible and everything.. I'm feeling a little good, because.. after the longest time, when I think of things going wrong.. and not being able to get out of bed in Canada and go to school (and even before that not being able to study/feeling absolutely lonely and depressed etc etc) I can put a name on it and say that something WAS wrong. It was not just my fault and I didn't just mess things up just for the heck of it.

It's a really nice feeling (it's not euphoria or anything close) but it's really nice not to feel completely and intrinsically guilty and bad for a change. I hope this feeling/sense of reality lasts.

dissonance

I haven't been feeling the hottest lately. I've been trying to not 'run' from things, you know bad things that happened, things that went wrong... I've been trying to face the pain and deal with reality. Only.. once you collide with it.. it isn't so easy, it's very draining and I find myself wanting to burst into tears just at any moment.

Tonight I had to seriously try not to think about it and make a real effort to take myself out of that emotional state of mind. I felt myself going over the edge into 'absolutely inconsolable' ( ie "my whole life is torture") territory.

I thought it was a good idea to face things and deal with what is instead of constantly denying it like I was but now I'm not so sure. I mean when I look at things and honestly allow myself to 'feel' it's almost paralysing. It's absolutely completely draining.

Not to mention you're not a smidgeon of good to anyone else in the world! Forget having fun with me! or seeing a smile on my face, hearing my laugh. I cannot be anyone's sunshine even for a half second like this.

I am sorry about this. I wish I were easier to be around and to be friends with. I wish... sometimes I know my friends must be confused.. they're not quite sure which Marisa they're getting. So many times I absolutely wish I could, but I'm just unavailable mentally and emotionally... it's like I can't talk to you tonight. I can't focus on what you're saying because I'm so consumed by what's bothering me.

cognitive dissonance

it's heavy as an anchor

falling on a small child's brain

the lies

like bullets

pierce the soft tissue

neighborhood bully

by Bob Dylan

Well, the neighborhood bully, he's just one man,
His enemies say he's on their land.
They got him outnumbered about a million to one,
He got no place to escape to, no place to run.
He's the neighborhood bully.

The neighborhood bully just lives to survive,
He's criticized and condemned for being alive.
He's not supposed to fight back, he's supposed to have thick skin,
He's supposed to lay down and die when his door is kicked in.
He's the neighborhood bully.

The neighborhood bully been driven out of every land,
He's wandered the earth an exiled man.
Seen his family scattered, his people hounded and torn,
He's always on trial for just being born.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Well, he knocked out a lynch mob, he was criticized,
Old women condemned him, said he should apologize.
Then he destroyed a bomb factory, nobody was glad.T
he bombs were meant for him.
He was supposed to feel bad.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Well, the chances are against it and the odds are slim
That he'll live by the rules that the world makes for him,
'Cause there's a noose at his neck and a gun at his back
And a license to kill him is given out to every maniac.
He's the neighborhood bully.

He got no allies to really speak of.
What he gets he must pay for, he don't get it out of love.
He buys obsolete weapons and he won't be denied
But no one sends flesh and blood to fight by his side.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Well, he's surrounded by pacifists who all want peace,
They pray for it nightly that the bloodshed must cease.
Now, they wouldn't hurt a fly.
To hurt one they would weep.
They lay and they wait for this bully to fall asleep.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Every empire that's enslaved him is gone,
Egypt and Rome, even the great Babylon.
He's made a garden of paradise in the desert sand,
In bed with nobody, under no one's command.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Now his holiest books have been trampled upon,
No contract he signed was worth what it was written on.
He took the crumbs of the world and he turned it into wealth,
Took sickness and disease and he turned it into health.
He's the neighborhood bully.

What's anybody indebted to him for?
Nothin', they say.He just likes to cause war.
Pride and prejudice and superstition indeed,
They wait for this bully like a dog waits to feed.
He's the neighborhood bully.

What has he done to wear so many scars?
Does he change the course of rivers?
Does he pollute the moon and stars?
Neighborhood bully, standing on the hill,
Running out the clock, time standing still,
Neighborhood bully.

Copyright © 1983 Special Rider Music

i l s e r b a a e n l o n

I thought it might be add a couple I thought very pertinent things someone else on that particular list pointed out in response to that last post.

One person in the article compares Israel to a bully. Yes Israel holds much greater military might/destructive power. However there is also a wide gap between the two sides in terms of destructive intention. A great part of the terrorists agenda (and outright statement of intent) is to plainly wipe Israel off of the map. Israel at least has not reciprocated this wish to absolutely and totally destroy all the people on the other side.

"This group ("New Profile") stands squarely in the tradition of Chamberlain, and we would surely see the same result if this group's ideology became Israeli (let alone American, British, or even, more fully, European) policy. Appeasement never works, especially when your enemy considers your very existence to be a blight on the human race, or an abomination to their God. New Profile begins its profile statement with, "We, a group of feminist women and men, are convinced that we need not live in a soldiers' state..." "

That said.. today we learned that Israel blew up a Lebanese miliatary base. I can't see any rhyme or reason for this. It's not right at all. That's exactly the kind of thing that will turn people against them.

Ian Alexander in Israel/Palestine:

::::in a separate post, here it is::::

Thanks to those of you who have written asking about the situationhere and expressing concern. Things in Jerusalem are relatively safe.I even managed a visit to the barber in Bethlehem (haircut then shave,wonderful) where the TV was showing the latest from Gaza and Lebanonand the chat was all about the attacks and what is happening. We are too far (we think and hope) from Gaza or Lebanon to get hit byrockets, but people are not going about there daily business as normal. There are fewer people on the streets as they sit glued to the TV.

At the beginning of these attacks I was up in the North. Acre andHaifa, Nazareth, Afula, Safed and Tiberias. All now have rocketslanding near them or in them. The neighbours of the Scots Hotel werehit and the Scots Hotel has been closed down temporarily and the staffsent home.
As well as being murderous (24 or more Israelis are dead) it is a hugepsychological blow. Israel is a society where the military is part ofthe mythology of the society and is celebrated and lauded in everything from books teaching reading and writing to school children to adverts for beer and phone companies. An Israeli woman, Ruth, told me of her journey to understand the depths of militarization of hersociety and why she opposes it and why she joined an organisation working for the "civil-isation" of Israel society. New Profile(www.newprofile.org) believes that: "While taught to believe that thecountry is faced by threats beyond its control, we now realize thatthe words "national security" have often masked calculated decisionsto choose military action for the achievement of political goals."

Mihal, another New Profile member, is worried about how themilitarization of Israeli society leads to increasing amounts ofviolence in the home and sexual abuse in homes and in the army. Thereare currently some high profile cases here of abuses of women whileserving in the military. It has been under a lot of scrutiny. Mihaltold me that now only about 50% of young people serve in "the people'sarmy" because many get out of it through medical or psychological conditions. Show you are a bit disturbed and you need not serve. But50% of the young people disturbed? It's a scam, Ruth and Mihal toldme, and the army know it and collude in it. They cannot find work forall the people who do go so it's a relief to have some who won't. Evenonce in the army, there is not enough soldiering, so many get sent towork as teachers' assistants. One bad aspect of this for Ruth is thatthe military becomes glamorous for the children as these young "rolemodels" wear their uniforms in the classroom and have their gun slungover their shoulder.

The attacks in Gaza and Lebanon are sold to the Israeli public asresponses to attacks on Israel. But most commentators here see them aslong planned operations which just needed an excuse to be carried out;and the capture of Israeli soldiers on the borders of Gaza and Lebanonbecame that excuse. UK Foreign Minister, Dr Kim Howells in aParliamentary answer, quoted UN Statistics that in May and June 2006,the Israeli military had fired 3077 shells into Gaza while 369Palestinian home-made rockets were fired from Gaza into Israel. As acolleague here wrote in her blog: "This is a ten-to-one ratio, andthese are expensive, engineered rockets compared to the shop classFrankensteins that the Gazans are Duct taping together. (The fatalitynumbers also reflect the disparity.)"

In the past 2 weeks Israel has killed 76 Palestinians and injured 222(Palestinian Red Crescent Society) and in the past week nearly 200 Lebanese have been killed, including a Canadian family of 7 on holidaythere (BBC). An Israeli military spokesman was quoted as saying it wasnot Israel's fault and that the family should have left the villagebefore Israel bombed it…I am not sure if the Israeli military sendsomeone to tell them….

The majority of the dead seem to be civilians. The EU and US talkabout "restraint" but Israel continues to devastate not military cellsbut Palestinian and Lebanese civilians. And most people worry thatthis is not a strategy but a reaction to salve the military's (theworld's 4th most powerful) hurt pride. As Gideon Levy writes intoday's Ha'aretz:

"Every neighborhood has one, a loudmouth bully who shouldn't beprovoked into anger. He's insulted? He'll pull out a knife. Spat inthe face? He'll draw a gun. Hit? He'll pull out a machine gun. Notthat the bully's not right - someone did harm him. But the reaction,what a reaction! It's not that he's not feared, but nobody reallyappreciates him. The real appreciation is for the strong who don'timmediately use their strength. Regrettably, the Israel Defense Forcesonce again looks like the neighborhood bully. A soldier was abductedin Gaza? All of Gaza will pay. Eight soldiers are killed and twoabducted to Lebanon? All of Lebanon will pay. One and only onelanguage is spoken by Israel, the language of force." And maybe alsofear.

Uri Avnery, a former Knesset member, commented: "Like George Bush'sinvasion of Iraq, Ehud Olmert's invasion of Gaza has an aim thatchanges from day to day."

"'War' is a defined situation regulated by international law. It takesplace between enemies, who are obliged to observe basic rules. But theIsraeli government asserts that it is facing not an enemy with rights,but "terrorists", "criminals" and "gangs". And those, of course, haveno rights. In a war, there are "prisoners-of-war". That applies toCorporal Gilad Shalit, who was taken prisoner in a military action, aswell as to the Palestinian fighters who are held by us. But our government defines Shalit as "kidnapped" and the Palestinian prisonersas criminals. It seems that the Jewish brain is inventing newpatents (as a popular Israeli song once said). After the UnilateralDisengagement and the Unilateral Peace, we have now a Unilateral War.A war in which one side (the stronger) enjoys all the rights of abelligerent party, while the other (weaker) side has no rights atall."

The taking of prisoners by Gazan and Lebanese militias is what sparkedthis present crisis. Israel currently has both Lebanese andPalestinian political prisoners. The Nelson Mandela Institute forHuman Rights (www.mandela-palestine.org) based in Ramallah, reportsIsrael is holding nearly 10,000 Palestinian political prisoners,including 122 women. Defence for Children International puts thenumber of Palestinian children in Israeli custody at 388. Hamas hasdemanded the release of all female and minor Palestinian prisonersheld by Israel in exchange for Shalit. This would mirror previousdeals done to exchange prisoners between Israel and the PLO andbetween Israel and Hezbollah as recently as 2004.

The Palestine Center in Washington, DC notes Israel's imprisonment anddetention of Palestinians is an example of Israel's "failure to abideby international law and the Fourth Geneva Convention. Administrativedetentions, imprisonment without due process and imprisonment insideIsrael are illegal under the Fourth Geneva Convention.

Furthermore,Palestinian prisoners are routinely tortured by Israel. Afif Safieh, the Palestinian representative in Washington related an experience of a few days ago: He was walking to his office when he ran into an acquaintance who was very "agitated" and "disturbed" byHizbollah's action last week.

Safieh responded: "I quietly told him he reminded me of a Jewish joke a friend once told me. In a country governed by a repressive military regime, a boy comes rushing home and, breathless, announced to the family: "The police is massively in our neighborhood and have arrested all the Jews and the barber". The different members of the family all together responded" "Why the barber? How horrible!".

Safieh added: "you seem to be interested only in the barber. Whatabout the Jews of this story, who, in this case, are the Palestinians? I left my office two hours ago and there were already 18 Palestinians killed in Gaza. Probably by now, there will be 22-23". (There were23).
"How often do we encounter that type of selective indignation as though (Palestinian) blood and tears do not count. As though our dead deserve to be killed. As though our victims are nameless, fatherless,motherless, childless… worthless? There should be a limit even toindecency."

There should indeed be a limit, even to indecency.
And the international community must signal that it is right now.

Ian Alexander
========================================================
Ian Alexander works for Quaker Peace and Social Witness as an EcumenicalAccompanier serving on the World Council of Churches EcumenicalAccompaniment Programme for Palestine and Israel ( www.EAPPI.org). Itsaim is to support Palestinian and Israeli organisations working to endthe Occupation of the West Bank and East Jerusalem in non violent ways, and to work for ajust and lasting settlement of the conflict within international law. The views expressed here are personal and do not necessarily reflect those ofQPSW or the WCC.

IsraelLebanon

It's funny that I should have written about Lebanon a few days ago (or rather Lebanese girls) given what's going on there now. I'm very sad when I think about it. In fact I don't want to think about it, it seems far too complicated, too hopeless.

I was reading the history of Lebanon the other day and man they have had a lot of conflicts. I feel bad for them. Who would like to have their airport blown up ? I feel bad for the Israelies. Who would like to have terrorists blowing up nightclubs full of your sons and daughters, just on the cusp of life ?

The Lebanese can't control the terrorists within them (pls remember that Lebanon is about half ? Christian as well.. at the very least these people don't support the terrorists..not to mention the terrorists restrict and terrorize them as well.) so someone is *helping them but unfortunately that help involves blowing up their capital city at the same time.

Someone on one of my lists posted an article from one of their friends in Israel about the crisis. It's not incredibly supportive of Israel's current actions. . . but I found it somewhat interesting so I thought I'd share it here. I think it's always good to get a different view....

friend

I just read this on one of my email lists and I thought I would post it here. To be truthful it sounded kind of cheesy the first time I read it but now it makes perfect sense.. well almost perfect ;-)

The best kind of friend is
the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with,
never say a word,
and then walk away feeling like
it was the best conversation you've ever had

When I read it tonight I thought about my best friend. Sometimes when she logs onto messenger she'll just msg and say "hi" and after that really nothing needs to be said. Sure I've had problems and issues with my day and she's had with hers but we just both share the odd feeling of being perfectly content to sit and look at a blank screen.

The other day I realized this. It's funny cause I've really only known her for about three years but it's odd that you can know someone so well that you don't even need to say anything to know that they care or that they're with you in whatever you're going through. But all the same it's very nice too... and as I said, a tad bit weird ;) that you can come to know someone that well. As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that not everybody has this, many people have never experienced this (even up to a little while ago I'd never experienced it!). I guess I'm very blessed to have it. Funny, possibly some of the best things in life you can miss noticing/being grateful for because they are at the same time so simple and absolutely intrinisic/essential. eg the sun/God... no sun no food, no animals, no people, no nothing... no God... no nothing...

Know any Indian-Lebanese/Lebanese-Indians ?

I dunno what happened the other day but I was rather just struck with this urge to meet some other Indian-Lebanese people. (The truth is I don't think I've EVER met any.. except maybe this girl in the mall once but it was only for a minute and well just a brief chance meeting etc) You've probably realized by now, I'm birracial. My mom is Lebanese and my dad is Indian. The truth is, growing up it was always rather odd. For one thing (well just to begin with!) I always wondered what I was 'supposed' to look like (since my mother and father look nothing alike! just to start with mom has olive skin and dad has red-brown skin) And to tell the truth there weren't any Indo-arabs or anglo-indians/european indians around for me to compare myself too (I did/do know a few Anglo-Indians but they live/lived far away and I really only got to see them once every few years.)

It may sound rather silly but really this caused me a great deal of stress growing up! It is also one more reason on the list why I would have really appreciated some brothers and sisters! If I did have some I imagine I would have been able to compare myself to them in this aspect and feel satisfied that I was 'normal' (well hopefully ;-) and like I would 'fit'... Growing up, in a certain sense, I never exactly felt like I fit. (God knows maybe it's too much brain power or something... I figure other kids might not have even noticed it!)

Anyway.. it may seem odd to people but I often wonder what's "my" race ? The thing is that to pretend to fit with either of my parents' races I'd have to forget about half of my genes... But I often fanticize about just fitting in 'totally' with no "but the other half..." I'd like to find a place or at least find a group of people where I'm 'exactly' like other people.. at least in that sense.. Where I feel like they're "my" race.

Truthfully I don't always feel this way but the sentiment does surface from time to time.

I don't know maybe this is a self acceptance issue. But it's also a real curiousity for me.. imagine you'd never met anybody of the same race as you!

Anyways so I was looking around on the internet. I figure if I can't "meet" any other Lebanese-Indian people at least maybe I can "see" some to verify that I look normal ;) *sigh* but no such luck.. the closest you'll get is Anglo/European Indians (who are actually extremely interesting looking if you ask me... a lot of them look like you can't quite tell 'if' they're Anglo or Indian.. depends on the light and the angle I guess! but really a lot of them can pass for either.)

Anyway! so since I don't really know a lot of Lebanese (really I don't, besides my aunts and my mom and well my cousins are all only 'halfties' like me so they don't really count ;) PLUS you have to look at young people to get an idea of how a race really looks... I mean you really can't see clearly from 60 yr olds) I was looking at some of them on the internet..

A few interesting things...

(hmm my mom probably looked a bit like this when she was young.. with the olive skin and blue eyes)

now let me just point out something with the eyes...

to you this girl looks angry right ?

wrong! I may be wrong, but I'm beginning to think this is a thing with arab people's eyes. I garrantee you this girl is not angry. I'll tell you why, I have my mom's eyes, and I get a very similar 'look' about me (ie same expression) on many occasions and people often assume I am angry and when actually I am NOT... and I dunno I think it's just something with the shape of the eyes and the features or whatever.. ;-) not to mention that when I "do" get angry (or even just sad it seems to express the same way unfortunately)... well apparently then I look really angry then. I guess it's kind of a slight disadvantage eyes that can unintentionally 'express' anger.. or at least to other people's interpretation.. would be interesting to go to the middle east and see if (well I'd imagine not ?) people still misinterpret, seeing as a lot of people have eyes like that!

okay and my second point..

right here, maybe it's the photography or I'm imagining things but these girls do have a slight 'sleepy' look don't like ? like their eyelids, they're eyes are almost just closing a tad bit ?

Maybe I'm overanalyzing (you know that's just what I do analyze everything!) but I'm guessing it could be something also to do with the shape of their eyes ? I also get the "are you sleepy ? you look like you're tired" comments (though I have to admit this is usually when I'm sad.. so it is something I guess not soo intrinsic..)

okay so maybe tomorrow we'll do Bollywood (and Indian girls... actually I think some of these girls here actually look quite Indian..)

one thing, I do think they have amazing mysterious eyes though

<--- it's like you can never tell just what's in them

as long as you don't think they're angry/mean looking (;

forgotten piece

I lost a part of me
Last night I thought I saw it in your eyes
And I wanted to ask about that part of me you held
I wanted you to say more
Mystery you gripped me with one glance
Can you tell me again ?

I think you still hold it
For a minute I saw it
I thought I saw it again and again
And then it was gone
You said no more, wanted no more
Even if I wanted to know, I couldn't ask you
I couldn't give

I was trying desperately
But somehow I couldn't show you what you wanted
I'm afraid if you saw the depth of it, it would scare you away
And I'm afraid, I'm sorry it IS so much what you wanted
So much what I wanted to show you
I'm sorry you're not interested in friendship
In anything less or anything more

I want so much to tell you
the flicker you thought you saw is real
More real than you
Yet my hands are tied
I can't explain you, I can't tell you
Without showing you other things
Things that might break your heart

Maybe you'll see one day
I wish you hadn't looked up
I wish you hadn't looked into my eyes
And I wish I hadn't seen what was in yours
'Cause I can't seem to forget now
I can't seem to forget
And you find it so easy

the real me

Today my mind just keeps going back to somebody that I felt I needed to hide the real me from.
The truth is that when I met them I was pretending a bit, to be something I was not. (Well I wasn't lying or anything but let me put it this way, I was not vehemently debating theology! ;) I was being a bit more meek and mild and just going along with things.) But you know (or you may not have known this), the thing about pretending is that, oddly enough, you're never totally the character you're play acting. On the contrary, real bits of you inveitably seep out.

I think.. this person saw some real bits of me... on a couple occasions... and liked them.

Now this makes for a very strange situation. Because it's almost like they half know you, they know you and they don't. And furthermore you're never sure how much what they like is the real you and how much is the character you're painting.

But the deal is, well obviously I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't really like this person. I wanted them to see more of the real me but I felt I couldn't really show them the real me in spite of the fact that I felt that they would absolutely *love* the real me, well part of her at least. That's the deal.. they would have loved *part* of her. But what abou the other part ? I want to forget about the other part, the irresolvable, irreconcilable cognitive dissonance that it seems I can never ever get over.

You know it's not just the cognitive dissonance, there were other parts of me that I felt I couldn't show them as well. The strange thing is I wanted them to know me so much...and yet I couldn't let them. I kept trying to pretend that I'm really *happy-clappy* and (almost really dumb!) this person that's so totally unambitious and content working a dead end job and not studying. As much, if not more, than wanting them to know me, I was trying desperately to hide who I was. I was very very ashamed of who I was, horribly ashamed that I was suffering from debhilitating depression among other things. I was trying to hide my disappointment and frustration with life and with not having gotten my courses done or not knowing WHEN I will finish them because if I'd let this person know I was that ambitous I'd have had to answer the "why" question.... the big question "so if you want to go to University..*why* aren't you there yet ?"

The thing is I can't give this person what they want... at this point it seems I can't give my parents or ANYBODY what they want... I can't go back to the person I was when I was 12 years old and mercifully for a few months there was no cognitive dissonance. For once it all 'fit' mentally.

..hide me now..

I don't know if it's just me.. but everytime I lead worship lately I just feel like I make myself extremely extremely vulnerable. I feel like *everything* is out there.

I wonder if anybody else feels like this... I've never heard anyboy mention feeling like this.

I don't know if this is just me being unsure and maybe scared that people will judge me. Funnily enough I never worried about people judging me before (well like five years ago.. when I used to both passionately sleep in church and teach children's church! ask me about that sometime ;) it's an interesting story and omgosh I was very sincere in it all) but lately... it's peeling the skin off of me. I don't know why but what people think has begun to matter soooo much. It's almost like I think their opinion "is" reality..ie it equal's God's. Weird huh ?

Worship went very well today actually (thanks to the support of some lovely people) but.. still I'm stuck with this "feeling"... this curious feeling of total vulnerability.. of having left myself totally open.. all my hopes fears dreams disappointments..everything to anything anybody might want to think or say....

thought you might like this

hey guys.. I was just reading some of my old posts (from 2004!) on my bible reading notes blog.. and I don't know if you've ever gone there but I think you might enjoy it.

I set up that blog so I could just make notes while I was reading. I used to just get sooo distracted with all my questions and thoughts and stuff (as you'll be able to tell from that blog, there's a LOT of questioning and thought, not to mention laughter going on!)

here's a little quote from it (the plain text is the text, the italics are my thoughts).

(reading from Mark 6)

34When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.

They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages[18] ! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?"

They’re like, “is this really the most spiritual thing to do?, to spend our entire ministry budget on relieving the famine in that African village ?”

lol probably I'm biased, but I just cracked up reading that today.

Anyway although I didn't get very far with it, some of the comments are pretty funny. I actually do have a whole huge word file iirc with italicized notes on the book of Matthew somewhere around.. maybe I'll dig it out and post it someday just for people to laugh at my questions and crazy ideas.

for those that are interested here it is

Sapphire Kisses

self a c c e p t a n c e [part 2]

Today I'm thinking about self acceptance once again. I know I wrote about it before, but I suppose it would be foolish to think that you could capture such complex topic or long personal journey (whichever you chose to think of it as) in one post.

I was thinking today about stupid people ( ;) and people actually stupid enough to simply call other people stupid and not use a nice euphemism/pc term for it!). I was actually talking to my mother about it and she said, "well my guess is if you're stupid you probably wouldn't even know it." But then I pointed out (perhaps illogically) that we all have felt stupid, so therefore there is such as thing as feeling/knowing you're stupid. Just perhaps if you ARE stupid... you experience it more often ? I've was thinking, "wow I guess stupid people just have to accept.. "I'm stupid... None of the universities will accept me and I'll probably never get out of this janitorial thing all my life.. and all my friends will have tons better cars and lifestyles and houses than me, all because they're smarter and I won't cause I'm stupid. But I love and accept myself as I am... even with my stupidity, even though I'll never get anywhere great in life because of it." <----- ;) now I know it is very wishful thinking that a stupid person would actually complicate the thought that far! but..(really stupidity/low intelligence was a bad example... I just sort of picked it off of the top of my head as a "weakness"/"flaw") I think you get the gist of what I'm saying.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that you have to accept yourself weaknesses and all, even if your weaknesses are REALLY bad weaknesses..and even if they might ruin your life (in other words "you" might ruin your life! with your overeating or overspending or whatever be it..) I mean some of our weaknesses we *can* change, and those are actually easy to deal with cause you just change them right ? but some you can't.. or you may think you can but really it's incredibly frustrating cause maybe you still can't.. and sometimes they may be HORRIBLE flaws that are really going to cost you a lot, in other words "you're" going to cost you a lot! and yet... you still have to love yourself, anyway.

I remembered a story that I'd heard a while ago the other day, and for some reason it just stuck in my head. I guess maybe fascination or emotional reaction or something. The story is of this boxer that went to the Olympics and the night before his performance ( ? do you call it a performance or what ?) anyway the night before his great chance, that he'd worked and sacrificed so much for all these years, he broke his hand...... in a bar fight.

What do you think of that ? That story absolutely stuck in my head. I cannot get it out. And when I think of it it's like "ouch!" You broke you hand in a bar fight right before your big chance ?!!!! The thing is, it's almost like something that maybe you would think of your worst enemy doing, coming and breaking your arm, absolutely destroying your dream, devastating your career. But when it comes down to it, your worst enemy is *you*. What do you do with yourself after something like that ? I mean not only in terms of forgiving yourself (sure forgive the guy that did that but please keep him in prison FAR away from me so he can't hurt me again) but in terms of living with yourself, I mean it's like this person is not just a person you maybe don't like, but also a serious liability! I mean what if they pull a stunt like that again ? And most likely they WILL pull a stunt like that again...since if you're stupid enough to do something like that it seems you're generally stupid enough to do it twice... Whatever character trait..whether it was temper or sloppy impulse control that set you up for that devastation the first time will likely set you up again and again.. and you *can't* run away from it.. because to a certain extent it IS you. What do you do ?

Well I know this guy went on to live his life and he raised his kids and he had pretty healthy kids emotionally so I'm guessing he went on to live a relatively normal and happy life. I guess what I'm saying is that this guy somehow managed to not only forgive, but also accept himself in spite of *the scorpion inside.*

I guess what I'm so fascinated over is that people manage to accept themselves not just *with* their flaws but with absolutely harmful, damaging, horrible, terrible, devastating flaws. They manage to accept and possibly love the parts of them that are tearing *them* apart. Doesn't that just twist your brain ? It does mine.

guess who else's birthday it is ?

Today my father and I threw my mom a surprise birthday party. I think I spent the whole day walking around on eggshells worried that she'd somehow find out about it! Then when it was time to get her out of the house I was especially antsy since my dad said "well can't you just let her go take a nap and then you can make the garlic bread and let everyone in the house ?"

I said, "Good grief you know mom, if she wakes up and she wants to go in the kitchen there will be NO WAY to keep her in that bedroom." So finally he agreed and concocted a story (well not really a story...he actually just told her the truth ;) minus the party bit!/reason for the drive!) to to take her out for a drive.

Then she wanted me to come. I was all anxious because at that point I had someone hidding outside the house with the shopping bags full of party supplies! I was absolutely antsy too, I could *not* sit still, even pretending I was watching TV I just kept flicking the channels. There was no way I could 'go' with my mother though so I had to convince her, "noooo I'm tired... " (which actually isn't that unusual for me.. I have this little emotional exhuastion thing going..) So FINALLY we got her out...and then boy was I overwhelmed... I had about 6 loaves of garlic bread to make in half an hour! ! And to top it off guests started arriving!

Not to mention, I had not cleaned the house yet because I could not very well clean and put away everything with my mother around. So here am I trying to put away dishes, direct garlic bread making, tidy house and direct guests arriving all at the same time! *very frazzled*

Anyway FINALLY all the guests had arrived and my mother and father pulled back into the driveway...and... I opened the door for my mother... and she saw the cake on the table and said "what's this cake ?!" and as if on que (sp?) a bunch of looney adults jumped out from the foyer yelling "surprise!"

We had about 35 people, almost exclusively from our church (well that was a whole other little challenge..since as the Pastor you have to invite practically everybody!)

Anyway.. I guess what I'm really meaning to say is I feel quite content right now. I feel like for this moment all is right in "my" world. I really really wanted to make my mother happy today. Often she feels like people don't like her or that they like prefer others to her, which is really painful (both for her and and for me just hearing how she feels.) As much as I wish I could I know I can't solve her problems for her.... actually usually I feel like I can do nothing at all! (if not more harm than good). Anyway I wished that I could make her feel special and cherished and 'liked' even just in a small capacity and today I'm very content that she felt that. I'm not really one for writing 'sappy' posts (I suppose this sounds sappy..it's not really deep and beautiful or anything) but I'm very very glad that she felt special and very good about herself today.

;) for all the d fans out there that title is a reference for you... it's Martin Smith and Stu G's birthday as well today!! (or if you already knew that, which I rather think you ought to! in that case I guess the who else would refer to my mother ;)

my other list...

I thought the first one went really well so decided to make a second list of things I've learnt.... about life....

in no particular order:

... when trying to start a conversation with someone. Try out at least five or six questions/topics before giving up. Introduce a wide variety of topics. What you may read initially as disinterest/dislike of you may quite likely be disinterest or discomfort with that particular topic. eg just try it, go ahead and ask me if I'm in university! or what I'm planning to do with my life! ;) that conversation is going to come to a c o m p l e t e halt I garrantee you ;) It seems getting a conversation going is a bit of a hit or miss deal in terms of hitting on the right topic, unless either the person is very eager to get to know you or an absolute extrovert...

... when you're about to do something you've never done before or something that's really important..(eg university, starting a business, getting a job, taking guitar lessons, buying a car/house, raising a child) ask a wide variety of people for advice, even if you don't think you need it (we rarely think we do! think back to your last big mistake, you didn't think you needed advice right ?!) You'd be amazed at what people who have done stuff before can tell you, even pretty ordinary seeming people. Not to mention, it will probably save you a lot of money and grief!!

... Trust your gut sense about people... in detecting 'users', 'losers' and (if you ask me those two are basically synonymous!) insincere people... it seems mine is almost never wrong... somehow it seems little things about them always make me feel ever so slightly uncomfortable. Truthfully most of the time, I either don't trust myself enough to really act on it (especially if they're really *fun* and enjoyable to be around) or, I'm just interested in 'feeling good' at that moment, and not wanting to think about reality/the future...

... that feeling of frustration you have there, the tightness in your chest ? no it's not a heart attack! ;-) I'll tell you what it is, it's you, delicate flesh and blood, banging up against cold hard reality. No wonder it hurts! Accept reality.. reality is not what you're trying to make it.. yes what you're trying to do is hard if not impossible (now I'm not saying it's impossible.. I'm just saying you need to adjust your expectations and don't keep thinking it should be easy..because obviously it's a lot harder than you thought..)

... bad things happen in life....REALLY really bad things... and the horrid truth... is that, all it seems we can do is accept them. In fact the best we can do is accept them. Trying struggle against them more often than not resembles banging your head against a wall in both sensation and result.

... little glitches in our plans happen A LOT. One should make peace with them and if possible even try to make the best and eek some enjoyment out of them. You know it always seemed like these little glitches/disappointments were absolutely unique to me. (I thought I was the only one that forgot my change of clothes when going to the beach or the ketchup for my hamburger or my Identification card when flying domestic....) They happen to all of us. It seems a fairly significant portion of our lives will be spent dealing with these things.. or being bored... or doing stuff we're not particularly fond of. When I add it up it sure comes to a large portion of one's life it seems, so I figure it makes sense to have a plan/ attitude to make the best of these situations.

... don't fall in love (well actually I mean infatuation.. cause I think love takes a lot of time and effort and energy to develop) with someone you've just met or who's only flirted with you twice. That's not a wise decision! Only start really enjoying every bit about someone if they come to belong to you... only when and if you marry a person or at least get engaged to them.. then fall in love and go nuts over how wonderful every detail about them is...

... don't not deal with your emotions.. not dealing with something won't make it go away. In fact trying to avoid things often makes them worse or in the case of emotions makes them last a lot longer. The worst case scenario is that the thing you do to try and relieve/avoid the pain (lets just pretend it's food or even alcohol) ends up causing you a LOT more pain in the long run.. and now instead of one you have two painful problems to deal with.

well hope you enjoyed this list.. though truly I think the first one went better (;